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Employee Handbook effective January 2007

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes & carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, & therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be & therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour & subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, & your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice & we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation & input should be directed elsewhere..

Thank you.
HR MANAGER

My car was hit 3 times in this carpark while in an idle mode i.e. parking status. My advise is, don’t park here…

Born in August the 26th, in the year of 1983, I carry the personality of the WATER PIG.

Description of Your Personality:

The Water Pig is even gentler than other Pigs, making it the "go with the flow" sign of the Chinese zodiac. You tend to be extremely social and blessed with good communications skills. Being so gentle, however, you are prone to being over emotional and often go on binges to indulge your senses. Blessed with popularity, you make a great host or hostess.